You broke my heart over and over

I didnt want to jot but then i feel i hv to let go somewhere. Small fights and quarrels we can brush of but certain things juz carve inside.

Like when i was heavily pregnant and u look at me climbing on the slippery kitchen counter top cleaning the exhaust fan. I wish i wld fall and miscarriage the baby so i can blame u for the rest of my life. Friends advise i shld voice out and tell you what to do instead of hoping u wld automatically do it. But common sense anybody seeing a heavily pregnant woman climbing wld offer their help.

Then it was sex topic during pregnancy It is embarrassing but i have to get it  well i guess no one will be reading. U told me if i dont allow there is nothing wrong outsource. Disgustingly wrong. But u said i misunderstood but i know u.

Fast forward 3yrs. 11th yrs of marriage. I did everything for the kids. From being a mother to taking the fathers role. I cook. I clean. I feed. I fetch. I search for tuitions. I keep up with their studies. I learn their interest. I push them to be perseverance. I teach homework and even chinese which i dont know. I look for weakness i find improvement which u dont care. I fill in every hole they are having all by myself. I even them biking. I bring them to the playground. I play badminton. I ensure they dun juz do academic but nonacademic too. I read to them at nite until my third was born. I juz request u to flash a deck of cards which u cant even last for a week.

The hse that u live in. U had nvr clean unless i scream at u. Even the lawn i mow. Got my leg cut by rock.

U said u will provide financially but is not even to the state we are in a luxury life. N yet u think u had done a big part. U do not share being a part in my life.

After all that i had done. U told me i did this all for myself. What self satisfaction? Truly am dissappointed in u. I do not see we grow old together anymore. Is fading away. I will continue to do for the sake of ur kids which is obviously looks like is mine alone only.

Sometimes u say my requirement is high but i think is juz ur capability is limited.

It’s been a long long time

Jdric is 7y 8mth, Mvric is 5y 9mth and Fric is already 3yo. Now  i have a whole new range of things to worry. Especially with Jdric academics result. One hand is telling me to let go. Let him learn at his own pace.. let him be a child. On the other hand is asking me to push. Push as hard as he can mange. Never underestimate a child learning ability.

i mean common. we are not from a rich family where we can just leave things as it is. cant catch up? nvmd la. learn slowly la. one day u will know how. but what is the one day come late. very late. many year later? then he will nvr catch up with the rest of the things. we are sending him to a normal ordinary gov school where everybody suppose to learn at the same speed. if u dun catch up , there are many many things ahead of you, u will never able to touch…. eg: scholarship? unless we have few mil per child and he can do watever he wants. learn watever he wants. and go anywhere he wants. then.. i will have to agree… learn at ur own pace. drop out of gov school? nvmd.. we go private or international or even homeschool. private tutor. no problemo.

so with this i decided to change myself into a tiger mom. into a pushy mom. into a mom that pressure him as hard as he could take it. i decided that i want him to be the above average student. not a 100% perfect student.. but average at least. i am sorry son, u are the first born. everything will start with you and if nothing goes wrong, which i hope non, ur brother will also face the same pressure from mama. this is the BEST i can gv to u now. to stretch ur limit.

School Driver

Today send J off with a driver we hired. Looking at him getting into the car.. he was reluctant but he didnt resist. Weeping quietly behind.. i had to hold back mine.

I show him my wound and told him i need to rest at home coz i am in pain. I need to recover then will be able to send him again. He understand.. i am proud of him but i hv a heavy heart.

Sick after sickeness

Afyer chicken pox J is down with high fever. 40c and come back every 4hrly.

Finally he is better today and i send him to school. All the teachers were staring at me as tho i had a dead body in the car! Confinement mth so wat?

Anyway he was happy when i fetch him fr school. He told me abt his craft. Normally he wont initiate wat he did but for a reason i think he really lile crafting tt why he story me wat he did. Paper cake 🙂

Cfm day 7

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Thinking back my second cfm with Mboy. He isnt this lucky. Each time he cry he will be attended by CL. I hardly carry him or change him.

Where as J and F without CL, each time cry mama is the one pamper and carry them. So heartache tat i had abandon Mboy is such a way.. T_T

Chicken Pox days

Back fr kindy, J had some little red dots. I was thinking cld be some sensertive skin or allergy. But as nite came..they grew into little tiny pimple..i quickly call up principle to confirm. Jackpot, he had chicken pox and i am 36wks. Quickly brought him to the doc and send him back mlk. I immediately sanitise every single thing n toys..bedsheet and carseats.. all i could think off.

Tough days for me… he misses us here. After fon calls he wld go bonkers. Refuse to eat refuse to bathe. Everyday he beg grandpa or gugu to send him back. He claim he is better and no more chicken pox. Grandpa had to entertain him with activities. 2 long weeks. Luckily he understand that he had chix pox and therefore had to stay away.

And just before J return, M start to grow poxs!! I was in my 38wks!! *argh* how frustrating. M had whole body of pox and it was more severe than J. His mouth lips and i think even eyes coz it was swollen..i google and ask paed and gynae abt the severity and all confirm me tt i would hv pass he immunity to my NB. I pray to the Lord that it is true. After calculate 2wk fr M chix pox wld clear is on 5th May. Could the baby be waittig for the safe date?

God had his plans and i will trust in Him.
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Incontrollable

Ever since he started kindy. i cannot be in control anymore. i dunno what he had learn. i dunno what he did. i dunno his “ins and outs” anymore. which makes me loose control…

but today he told me he ate porridge and who eat the fastest and he dirty his pants abit. so at least everyday he had been telling me.. “i eat bread” is true. at least today is porridge. 

he also came to me and ask “may i go to the toilet” meaning that YES he did went to the toilet in school. i was so worried that he control his urine until back home coz when i keep asking him did he go to the school toilet he say NO. 

and also when he saw my lips he ask me  “why ur lips is dry? Go drink water please” so i know that teacher had been taking good care of them asking them to drink water. 🙂 i am also wondering why is his water bottle always so full until one day i heard him say “can u refill my bottle” then i know he learn tat from school 🙂

Simple Conversation

Just a simple conversation i knew i had made the right choice always letting them running wild in the garden and playing arnd the neighbourhood.
He was reading his phonics book on the way back from school. It was the word “dig” & “pit”
So i explain to him pit is like the hole he dig at my garden. 
He adds on…

I use my glove and dig. Then i put in the plant and do like that like that. (he’s patting so i told him bury and patting the ground)
then i put water and my plant grow. is pink flowers. (he repeat everything again but this time.. ) is yellow flowers. is very tall. 

🙂