I am to blame?

During my 2nd pregnancy, so much i had to go tru ALONE. my feelings, my stress, my pain.. all alone. I had the worst change of my life, being jobless and financially shaken, with 2nd child coming along. It all seems like the wrong time. A husband was never there, i’m living with a big tummy, my son and a bag that i carry along everywhere i go. No home no family no place to belongs to. No supports.. having to deal with the stress that i cannot be comfortable with.. what does he understand? none, he just say wanna start a biz and then he goes.

Everybody say, as a wife i need to fully support him. How? Did he know that being pregnant i also need the support? On top of tat all the insecurity he is planting on me! I’m not a who will accept things blindly because you tell me so. I will drill, i will google, i ask for fact and figures i wanna see plans from A-Z, and i need backup plans… without all these there is no security and yet.. without all these he ask me to trust him. I had to deal with myself too! All these did he even tot of it?

And now he blame me for acting crazily during my second pregnancy. Selfish and irresponsible. Totally. He planted on me and the call me crazy?

Even after the child was born, there is still no security. I had to deal with everything alone with a bb sitter of course. And worst that i had no family support.. i have no one but a stranger in my hse. And yet he can tell me that 2nd confinement was so much a relieve. for who? for him ALONE. but i didn’t say anything.. i tot it will pass, and i will forgive him. and yet he raise this topic saying i’m crazy? he blame me?   yeah, of course he was relieve he dun need to be there to do anything or deal with anything. lonely, crying, insist of taking care of my elder so tat he do not feel neglected or having the abandon feeling, living with a stranger.. and yet he wasn’t there.

Having a  new child is a huge drastic change for a woman. i think any woman will feel it. (or maybe i AM the crazy one) is like why i need him in the labour room. is not like he can help the doc to deliver.. it is his presence. and yet during my confinement he wasn’t there..  probably he think tat he is not there so he can hire someone and replace him. it is not just someone there to help.. it is the emotionally and mentally support. where is all these? i have none. bear it alone. who knows about it? no one. and now i’m the crazy one.

until now, everyday  i deal everything myself. i cry myself, i hurt myself and i go tru it myself. is my so call husband ever been here? he is physically here but never been here with me. i basically hv a driver, a person to buy groceries a person to do thing but i dun hv a husband. i talk alone, i live alone, i cook alone, i basically do everything alone. yes i know “he is working hard out there” is this all worth? the money is minimal.. and gain nothing. he come back, is time to sleep. everything he talk is surface… i can say there is no communication at all… not with him. i hv all the communication with all other ppl, more than i ever communicate with him in this pass 2 yrs… but isn’t he the person suppose to share my ups and downs? doesn’t mean that i stay at home i’m trouble-free or less stress. i don’t want to talk to others.. i wan to talk to whom i will share my life with! but no.. coz he dun think is important..

i can go on and on.. on communications too.. so i’m tired.. and i will not “start” the communication topic

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