I am to blame?

During my 2nd pregnancy, so much i had to go tru ALONE. my feelings, my stress, my pain.. all alone. I had the worst change of my life, being jobless and financially shaken, with 2nd child coming along. It all seems like the wrong time. A husband was never there, i’m living with a big tummy, my son and a bag that i carry along everywhere i go. No home no family no place to belongs to. No supports.. having to deal with the stress that i cannot be comfortable with.. what does he understand? none, he just say wanna start a biz and then he goes.

Everybody say, as a wife i need to fully support him. How? Did he know that being pregnant i also need the support? On top of tat all the insecurity he is planting on me! I’m not a who will accept things blindly because you tell me so. I will drill, i will google, i ask for fact and figures i wanna see plans from A-Z, and i need backup plans… without all these there is no security and yet.. without all these he ask me to trust him. I had to deal with myself too! All these did he even tot of it?

And now he blame me for acting crazily during my second pregnancy. Selfish and irresponsible. Totally. He planted on me and the call me crazy?

Even after the child was born, there is still no security. I had to deal with everything alone with a bb sitter of course. And worst that i had no family support.. i have no one but a stranger in my hse. And yet he can tell me that 2nd confinement was so much a relieve. for who? for him ALONE. but i didn’t say anything.. i tot it will pass, and i will forgive him. and yet he raise this topic saying i’m crazy? he blame me?   yeah, of course he was relieve he dun need to be there to do anything or deal with anything. lonely, crying, insist of taking care of my elder so tat he do not feel neglected or having the abandon feeling, living with a stranger.. and yet he wasn’t there.

Having a  new child is a huge drastic change for a woman. i think any woman will feel it. (or maybe i AM the crazy one) is like why i need him in the labour room. is not like he can help the doc to deliver.. it is his presence. and yet during my confinement he wasn’t there..  probably he think tat he is not there so he can hire someone and replace him. it is not just someone there to help.. it is the emotionally and mentally support. where is all these? i have none. bear it alone. who knows about it? no one. and now i’m the crazy one.

until now, everyday  i deal everything myself. i cry myself, i hurt myself and i go tru it myself. is my so call husband ever been here? he is physically here but never been here with me. i basically hv a driver, a person to buy groceries a person to do thing but i dun hv a husband. i talk alone, i live alone, i cook alone, i basically do everything alone. yes i know “he is working hard out there” is this all worth? the money is minimal.. and gain nothing. he come back, is time to sleep. everything he talk is surface… i can say there is no communication at all… not with him. i hv all the communication with all other ppl, more than i ever communicate with him in this pass 2 yrs… but isn’t he the person suppose to share my ups and downs? doesn’t mean that i stay at home i’m trouble-free or less stress. i don’t want to talk to others.. i wan to talk to whom i will share my life with! but no.. coz he dun think is important..

i can go on and on.. on communications too.. so i’m tired.. and i will not “start” the communication topic

DIY watercolour paint

 

Recipe
3 Tbsp baking soda
3 Tbsp corn starch
1½ tsp corn syrup ( 1:1 , sugar:water)
3 Tbsp white vinegar
Food coloring

Method
(1) Vinegar + Baking Soda = volcano 😉
(2) Mix in corn starch and syrup
(3) Pour into container or in this case i use the Brand Chicken essesnce glass bottle
(4) I mix the 3 main colour first (Red, Blue and Yellow)
(5) The other 3 colours i mix with the 3 main colours
– red + blue = purple
– red + yellow = orange
– blue + yellow = green

image

The drying process.. i just let it dry and it takes 2 days. so the second day i couldn’t wait so i let it sun dry. 😛
However when is was dried the top surface like crystalise, which i dunno it was suppose to be or not.

image

When colours dried it has a layer of water-like on the surface, which i dont know again it was meant to be or not.

Colours combination of my orange and purple was not really obvious. All red, orange and purple seems to look like….red.

But he still enjoy the painting and few pros and cons about this is besides it is safe and edible…. i just need to stick in each bottle a brush and no worries of mixing colours. The colours wont be wasted like the tube colour when he squeeze everything out himself….or the bottle pastel colours where he dig everting out and mix all the colours.

Well the cons side is, u know when the corn starch is too thick and u cant stir anymore. Yup.. that’s wat happen so..i need to contantly add water. So in the first place why do i need the baking soda and vinegar? However again, i dunno if i’m doing it right ..this is the first time i’m doing it.. so will gv it another shot.

Overall am very happy with the result.. cheaper and child friendly paint. 🙂

Fiery fire

Im so mad that if i were to look myself in the mirror i think it was red and my hair is on fire. I cant rmb when was my last time having this anger but i was shaking. It was good tat i was trap in sly but it was also bad coz i feel i could explode but hv to suck it down. I ask myself why am i so mad…
The first thing was ‘hide’ he actually could hide things fr me. Second thing struct me was trust. U ask me to trust u and u abuse it? How am i not mad. It took me so long to actually let all go and trust you. I had nvr trusted this whole this  would work bcoz i lay the maths in front of you for fact and figures but u told me to trust u. I told u, u are not God and i cannot just trust u by the word “trust” but j say trust you. Fine… finally i decided i shld trust u becauce u ARE my husband. And seems like u nvr appreciate it.

When it happen, alot of potential i see in u. Adultry.. keeping all other secrets…yes, this maybe a small thing but it shows u hv potential and i am to protect myself. it is my stupidity to trust u whole heartedly that you are capable, you are able to do this even tho i hv the facts and figures. It is my stupidity for beleving in u rather than myself. And now u wan me to believe there is a second chance? I dont think is so simple. U can fight but i stand firm.

If things were the other way round. U would told me upfront there might be secon chance. I would believe there is even deep down inside me knows there is none. I will get mad for breaking the contract, i might be SILENTLY angry like i had all this while. I maybe hinting but not nagging coz i choose to trust. I may pity u had put in effort to go another time, i have heart too ….. back then. Now is broken dun blame me for being too harsh.

I had been mad that all this harcwork and sacrifies had SACRIFIES all of us, but u say could work. U had just creditted all the trust funds from the bank. Zero-out everything. In this relationship… it shows that not only we dont hv communication, we dont even hv trust anymore.. ya, the only thing im holding on is my kids for the moment… and probably one day who knows i could let all go. Would i?

That is why ppl say trust no one but urself… wise

SAHM

Ya, SAHM is Stay-at-home-mom..which i don’t think i ever talk about.. quit my job after my first child 3.5y ago. It wasn’t in my plan.  I went back to work like normal mother would after giving birth but i guess i have separation anxiety? I burst out crying when ppl ask me, how’s ur boy at home. YES! BURST! right infront of everybody. i cannot stand missing him and putting him in the hands of others. At that point i still haven’t find bbsitter coz i plan to hire a maid and let my mom look after the maid while looking after my son. Well, 2mths after that i resign and proceed with my “dreams” which i never tot i have!

Being a SAHM is simple, easy.. but tiring. You just need to take care of the house and your kids.. and probably ur hubby a little. The tiring part is when u are without a maid. Now..  i started with 1 child and i couldn’t find time to cook. And yet when i move into the new hse alone, far away from my parent, i find time in everything even tho i have 2 kids.

I cook for them and insist they hv a healthy meal. I even bake coz my son have sweet tooth like me. Then i venture into gardening bcoz i find everything is quite pricey and if only i could juz get some small items like spring onions, herbs, cilis from my garden. And since it’s already in the garden why not spend sometime on vege coz it will be very cost saving.

Then, i clean the house like sterilize them. I bought those anti-virus melaleuca spray about 3wk once i spray every single corner. Dettol-ise the plastic toys every month. Sterilize my kitchen after every poultry cleaning after the supermarket with bleach mixture. And when the laundry is not fully loaded i will wash the curtains or the sofa seat cover, or the comforter. Is like everyday there is a wash!

To balance up $$ that i quit working, i wash the car so that i could save RM20 per mth for 2 cars. Cut the grass and save RM30 per mth. I cut my own hair and boys hair. I try to do some online biz for my pocket money.

To make use more of the time i’m at home, i home school my son with activities and also small portion academic.

Then i venture into something like sewing to enable me to fix/or do something useful. List of projects which i shall not mention here.

My leisure is when i surf the net, read some blogs.. ok and also baking, sewing and gardening. Of course i’m very happy when i see my son enjoying the activities i had for them. I can’t go far coz i’m afraid to bring the 2 out alone. Hubby is only home at nite. Parties and gathering i cannot attend w/o hubby. Even we go out dinner together is like gulping all into the stomach and eat as fast as possible so that the kids are not bored sitting too long.

Recently i’m quite “culture” shock to find.. actually there are many ppl who are SAHM and very  super senang. Their job is juz the kids. The house is taken care by a maid. The money is never a worries. They go vacations every mth and not locals. Their groceries are from luxury shopping mall…like CS & JJ. They have time to go shopping even tho few kids bcoz maid is taking care for them while they are doing their biz. Yes they are call the rich taitai. BUT heck.. they are complaining. Complaining their dryer, irobot, dish washer is causing their electricity bill high. Complaining that spending in CS is too costly now days. Complaining tired and so on~~

Hello i’m here, soaking wet EVERYDAY. Yes i’m always wet in sweat. I bathe min 3 times a day. I sweat until my under garment is wet and can twist out sweat. I cut my lawn until i have blister on my both hands. I have countless time the cooking oil  “cook” my hand. I hv few times cutting my finger – a huge chunk off and i still need to put my hand into the dirty water and twist the mop! My hands are getting flaky and sometimes i could feel that my finger cannot bend due to water retention in the morning due to handling water for a long period.

I can drive out for groceries but it is normally done in 1 to 1.5hr. Go-pick-pay-home.

I’m not complaining, i’m not ranting i’m just in shock some ppl have good life and still complaining.. geez