Changes..i hate

I hate my life now.. I really hate my life.. it’s like I do not have the control of anything.. is it because I’m not working? Is it because I don’t have a fix income? Perhaps it is… to make things worst.. my life is like in a gambling world , hoping for a little faith and luck! I have no secure future.. is this what I’d plan? Is this what I ask for? I’m a person with full of planning.. I never had to worry about all these until now.. just because I’m not working?

If I gamble I will only gamble with my extras.. I won’t gamble is I have nothing. Although gambling is sometimes good but it’s just no my way.. not my style and not my way.. changes is not a bad this but changes without a plan is terrible.

I used to have goals and objective in life.. what do I have now? My goal is to raise my child/children.. yes that’s the most important thing in my life now BUT not to forget WITH major changes in my life.. I can’t even have control of my little tiny life now.. I want to have my kids to grow up with a pet so that they are more loving and …. every normal home needs a pet .. to be exact a DOG. I want to have a balance life style with my family, I want to raise my kids in healthy life style instead of electronics gadgets being their partner..  I want my kids to be able to have a garden like I was little that I can play around cut the grass and cook masak. I don’t like to live in a concrete house. I hate the air… I hate the honks, I hate the fact that everywhere I go is CARS and JAMS.. even these simple expectation is not within my control anymore.. sometimes I think.. why did I marry a city guy and never tot of all these?

I’d “downgraded” my life.. I lost my pet (yes although I don’t really care for him very much but I still want to have him around – weird I know, probably for the sack of my kids?), and soon I’ll lose my house which is a comfy home now with fresh air and grass around. I’ll soon be homeless! I do not know where I’ll be staying in near future.. I hate my life.. that has no clear plan ahead, no clear answers.  I’m a person that needs to plan 2-3 steps ahead.. I cannot (Chinese saying) look 1 step walk 1 step kind of person… but I have no choice because I just got to base on trust and luck?

I used to hate this pregnancy.. yes looking at my previous pregnancy and now.. Previously I’d been hooohaaa taking endless picture of my tummy, being so excited, being so anxious, eating the right food but not this..i feel I’d abandon Jboy.  I feel angry and guilty..He’s just so small, little and I cannot afford to even get up to carry him. I totally have no strength to lift him when he needs me..i can only ignore him and it hurts me so badly.. that was during my 1st trimesters. Until now I’m having back ache and muscle ache all over me… I just feel like I this is another bad changes in my life.. and I hate it.. now entering 2nd trimester perhaps it’s a little better.. but.. still too many changes..i still would  feel better if there is less changes in my life..

I so hate everything I have now.. everything is at the wrong place, wrong time…maybe some will say it’s pre-natal depression.. but what is a life when I had plan so much previously with my objectives and goals but now is just darkness..

 

 

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