Still am Sad December 4, 2009

wake at 6.30am today, pump, wash up, look at my boy and head to work.

on the way my heart really feel so aching, i cry all the way driving to work. i dunno what i can do.. i dunno what to do.. i cannot control the situation and the feeling… hai~~ mom say when i start to work i won’t miss so much.. but i think after i get my bonus i think i’ll quit my job. yeah talking and thinking is easy doubt i can do tat… how am i going to gv him everything he wanted later? (material) my heart is so ache even eating breakfast and talking about him makes me shed my tears. oh God… what should i do…

question here, what is the best for him? giving him all the material things. the toys, the better quality diapers, the better milk powder, the quality stuff OR being with him when he grow up, see him change everyday, teach and guide him throughout his growing stage…which is better? i would like to choose option 2, but i’m so afraid that when he grow up and go to school and come back and tell me, “mommy i want the spiderman school bag, i want the remote control toy car my firend have, i want the Wii game, everybody in my class is having it” OMG my heart will again be so aching because i cannot provide him all those. cannot afford to send him to piano class or art class, cannot afford to send him to kumon. hai~~ which is better?

Tomorrow is a dreadful day December 3, 2009

i hate i hate i hate tomorrow.. i really hv no mood whole day coz tomorrow i’ll need to work. sien…i sien not because of work, i sien coz i know i’ll need to start all the tension and hectic work. cannot go home early…cannot see my jboy, i know my life and days is going to be awful ..going to be dreadful

i also need to sleep early…cannot accompany jboy until he fll asleep. normaly at nite, i’ll make sure he sleep then i sleep. else i can’t sleep…i really feel so sad..i feel my whole life is crumbling down when i think i’d to leave him…  and i’m so frustrated…*argh* and *sob*

1st jap November 30, 2009

Actually is the 2nd time jboy is being jap. 1st time was right after he was born.

We decided to go to governement poliklinik.. and skip all the optional jap like rotavirus and pneumococal. While waitting, i’m the one feeling scared and worried. It’s like so heart pain if i see my jboy kena jap and i dunno how’s i’ll react when he cry non stop.

I met my roomate from the hospital. she also was here for the jap. her baby is 6.5kg. more than jboy eventhough she was born lighter than him. Compare with jboy, he is nothing. her arm is so much bigger than him and her face is so chubby. oh no.. we lost! maybe jboy was fed with 90% BM (breast milk) kua. the baby girl was fed with 40% BM and 60% formula. oh well, i’d check with the growing graph, appearantly his weight is normal and his length is more on the higher side (wierd) and his head is on the smaller side (wierd-er)

Weight: 6.4kg

Length:61cm

Shitty business November 27, 2009

J-boy pass motion once only. Few days ago he had been passing motion twice per day. slowly it should be only once and harden. Now it’s still like the “dal” for roti canai.

I wonder when he can only wake once for midnite feed…

HUGE milestone November 25, 2009

After delivery i lost 6kg.

After 3wks delivery i lose another 5kg.

Until now… 4wks had passed i manage to lose another ONE kg.

huuuray…. (so pathetic)

Grandpa Bday November 20, 2009

Extra milstone, he can suck his finger. i didn’t realise coz these few days were cold so i le t him wear his mitten. but then his mitten is always wet. so i took off and he juz bring up his hand and put into his mouth. wow… when did he learn this. uwwuhahah….

Another funny thing is that he is afraid when we let him sleep in the spring cot. Cannot shake too hard. funny… he only act this way only recently..today. how we know he is scared? he raise his 2 hands sometimes even leg. then his faciall expression.. and the sound he make. he really seems scared.

we went secret recipe for grandpa bday. happy grandpa got cucu teman him this year bday.

on the way back, i nearly trip over while carrying j-boy. how dangerous.

Finally home November 15, 2009

why there’s so much frustration that i’d predicted and i still wanna go? the 1 only reason is because i feel that my in laws also love my boy and i should let them spend more time with him while i’m still on maternity. i guess there won’t be another chance unless i quit my job or having CNY long holiday.

reaching home is such a relieve to me. entering our room. oh no.. grandpa had bought the mobile toy and had already fix at the cot. got to get the one i bought and exchange for another toy. yippie 2nd toy for j-boy.

Shopping Day…. November 14, 2009

At last..i’m free-d. I’m so relieve i can step out from the hse and go shopping. wanting to get the mobile toy for j-boy to hang on his bb cot. there’s a discount at isetan. after discount is Rm80. i know still expensive but this will be the 1st very toy at i find useful and bought for him. proud mommy and daddy.

Went Garden’s and of course Robinson my fav. i bought the Avent washable breast pad. 20% discount. i find it quite reasonable lor. Rm50++ but there were 3 pairs with 1 laundry bag. The teat i survey for Avent also quite reasonable. 1biji is arnd Rm10 and after discount is less 20%. ok what.. heehhe.. can afford to continue using this brand. i tot wanna change brand coz too ex.

Today is a great day. J-boy had been very good. sleeping in his pram whole day. even if he wasn’t sleeping he was laying quietly looking around. oh my good obedient boy.

I also have another thing in mind for myself. ada-cada-BRA. i can’t seems to find any in those maternity shop. D-cup is the biggest they have. i’ve no choise to get it from marks and spencer. don’t ask me about my size. all i can say is tat i will reduce it once i hv the extra $$.

we were out since 1pm until 7pm. then dinner at a place i forgot the name.

reaching home.. a black black face was waitting angrily coz baby is not suppose to go out late at nite… ops.. but i don’t care

Pissed November 13, 2009

I’m pissed with the “water-thingy” the “shit”. I just wanna say out loud “this is my baby and i want to have it my way. take care my way. so u guys just leave us alone” obvious i’m not an idiot to say those things. sometime i think i’m having post natal depression.

1st i’m angry on almost every little thing. i had never been 1 day not angry with ha-b. juz what ever he do is never enough. he don’t care the bb. he never carry the bb. he never bathe the bb. he didn’t wake at nite to make milk for bb. he juz never do antyhing for the bb…aiya there’s more lah. i dunno i’m being paranoid or what. but all these keep “playing” in my mind that he just don’t care abit. now i’m pissed again..

2ndly i think that my in laws wan to take my bb away from me. and i’m also f*cking angry and pissed. i don’t know why and how i got these feelings. everytime they wanna carry i juz feel it’s not rite. why when my mom carry i don’t feel this way? coz my mom never gv me the feeling that she wanted the bb. my in laws wan us to leave the bb in selayang for them to take care. for them to bb sit. the whole family wan  me to leave the bb. oh gosh how am i not have this feeling of ppl wan to take my bb away from me. but i know they just love him as much as i do. but i can’t help feeling that way okay…

3rd they way of others is controling me on how am i suppose to do and not suppose to do. hello.. those are old ppl way. now there are somethings we shouldn’t do according to the old way….

 

Blood November 12, 2009

I cut his finger nails when he was sleeping. I’d cut it before i came here. real short. but only few days it grows again. afraid that he might scratch himself i cut again loh.

Now a days i didn’t let him wear the mittens anymore. Nurse say if keep on wearing he can’t feel his palm. ok loh… take out loh. need to cut finger nails.

At home, i’ll cut it while grandma feed him (bottle la of course) here, i juz need to wait for him to fall asleep. but after cutting 2 fingers, he start to make noise. he is very sensertive ppl touching his fingers. so i stop cutting and then zoom.. he just scratch his face like tat. blood start to come out. not say dripping out la.. but it’s like keep flowing loh. aiyo yo…

1 success story, i manage to capture his shit and it was alot!!